“Make Yourself Necessary to Somebody. Do Not Make Life Hard to Any.”
-Emerson (He’s so freaking quotable)
Sometimes I wonder if I am letting my year of service slip away. Sometimes I also wonder if I am heading in the right direction. I worry that I have wasted too much time on this and that when I should have been focused on the grand scheme of things, the bigger picture of existence, the greater good of the human race. The days of this past year have slipped by so quickly as I find myself constantly consumed with those little distractions that buzz like flies around the interior of my life.
I have less than 2 weeks before I head off to Graduate School in Tuscaloosa. The stress and anxiety that comes with any life change is starting to affect my heart, mind, and body. Hence waking up at 4am and feeling an intense need to blog and make frantic, irrational to do lists with things like “Figure Out How to Fit Bulky Things in a UHaul ” and “Call This Random Person About That Thing.” I linger between letting go and letting begin. I am excited but very nervous that quite frankly the universe will not unfold as it should. So many tedious tasks that need to get taken care of before I begin. I feel I’m running after slivers of time, desperately trying to utilize each moment for some productive purpose but then only collapsing in mini fits of exhaustion and worry.
Furthermore, beyond my own bubble of a life, there are the larger conflicts brewing across this country and world that rub against my heart like sandpaper. The recent shootings remind me not only how our lives hang in a delicate, fragile balance but also reveal to me the raw pain that can fill someone’s heart. The tragedies also caused me to ponder all those deaths that do not fill our television screens or newspapers. Their realness remains. I suppose as a journalist I will do my best to tell a story. The story of everyone struggling to simply be, to exist, to believe, to defend, to fight, to love, to mean something.
If I look back to some of my New Orleans blog entries, I find myself expressing similar sentiments. I dislike being a broken record but it is the cycle I find myself spinning. This balancing act of fighting my own small battles while also feeling burdened by the more desperate battles of those around me and the strangers I will never meet. It can be overwhelming to take on the world, attempting to fix it, heal it, mend the brokenness. We are each born with select ways of being and we let experiences leave marks on us, changing us, erasing us, building us. It is no great wonder that achieving such a mass movement towards peace seems impossible. But there is enough good in this world that gives me hope to power through another day without chugging multiple 5 Hour Energy shots. Those things scare me.
I can start with myself. And I choose to move forward with love. I know I worry that I do not do enough, that my time is not being used for the right reasons. But every interaction is another chance to spread love. It is not easy or even fathomable to make everyone happy. Perhaps, that is not the ultimate goal. I can make myself happy and let that happiness spread to others. I can hold myself to higher standards. I must continue to be thankful to the extent there is no room for anything but appreciation for all those around me.
I am not positive on the point/theme of this post. These thoughts are just the ones that keep me awake at night as I try to compartmentalize my life and prepare for a year of school. I am honestly just another person trying to exist while hoping, praying that it will mean something in the long haul of life.
And just a few of the people I’m thankful for… 🙂